A DIANA DORS STORY

Ms. Dors was born in a small town in the north of England. Her birth name was Diana Fluck.

In the mid-'50s, she was tapped by Hollywood as a Marilyn Monroe rival. She still had one English picture awaiting release before she departed. Her studio decided to premiere the film in her home town as the feature event of a Diana Dors Homecoming Day to celebrate her departure.

The mayor arranged to have bleachers set up in the town square, erected a stage and hired a local band for the event -- all part of a ceremony in which he would present her with the key to the city. In preparing his speech, he was very conscious of making the obvious mistake in pronouncing her name and rehearsed the presentation endlessly. "Diana Fluck. Diana Fluck. Fluck. Fluck. Fluck. Fluck. Fluck."

The big day arrives. Flags are flying, the band is playing, the bleachers are filled and the mayor is standing on the stage awaiting the star's arrival. A black Bentley quietly pulls into the square from which emerges Ms. Dors dressed in a red scoop-neck peasant blouse, gold toreador pants and wedgies. She insinuates herself up the stairs to the stage where the mayor waits with a giant key to the city.

The mayor is nonplused. He has never seen such a voluptuous vision and is clearly rattled by her. The band stops playing, the citizens hush and he begins his speech, unable to keep his dazzled eyes from straying from his prepared text to ogle her.

"Ladies and Gentlemen," he begins, then sneaks the first of several peeks at the blonde goddess. "Today we have with us one of England's greatest stars who will soon be departing for a brilliant new career in Hollywood."

He cops another surreptitious glance at Dors, then continues.

"Moviegoers all over the world know her as Diana Dors. But those of you who have grown up in our town will always remember her as..."

He takes an anxious breath and, tremblingly, gazes at her once more.

"...our own Diana Clunt."

-- As told by the still-mourned but never-forgotten Joel E. Siegel (aka MovieMan on Songbirds.)